Aftermath
by Alliegirl
Summary: The only thing you can't change is death, that you have to live with -The aftermath of Liz's death (Jess's mom)
1. Reality TV, catchy Tunes, and death

A/N Okay this is another story I started when I couldn't think of anything for my other ones.  
  
Even as the words were said he couldn't believe it. Hadn't they had this discussion for the past twelve years? The man just didn't seem to get it.  
  
"No Taylor!" Luke almost shouted.  
  
"You're being impossible Lukas Danes. It's not as if I'm asking for a marching band and pink and yellow streamers. . ." Taylor paused; he seemed to be contemplating the marching band.  
  
"NO!" Luke bellowed.  
  
Lorelai leaned over to Rory. "This town should have its own reality TV show"  
  
"And theme song," Rory added.  
  
"Well yeah, what is a number one TV show without its catchy tunes?"  
  
"And we have everything a good TV show needs"  
  
"Exactly, we have me and you," Lorelai said proudly.  
  
"And Luke," Rory said, gesturing towards Luke, who looked ready to charge the podium, and beat Taylor with his own gavel.  
  
"And Taylor"  
  
"Oh. . .Miss Patty"  
  
"And Babette," Lorelai added.  
  
"And Jess," Rory smiled.  
  
"Yes, because no show is complete without the bad boy"  
  
"Yup"  
  
Lorelai sat up, "We have Kirk!" she exclaimed.  
  
"And cat Kirk," Rory added excitedly.  
  
"I'm telling yah, we're knocking the Osborn's right out of first place"  
  
They turned back to the meeting, as Taylor's voice cut through their conversation.  
  
"Just some bunnies, and a couple eggs," Taylor suggested.  
  
"Are you insane?"  
  
"Now Luke. . ."  
  
Luke walked up to the podium, and held out his hand.  
  
"Give me the gavel," he demanded.  
  
"No!" Taylor said, holding the gavel close to him.  
  
Luke shrugged, reaching over the podium and snatching Taylor's gavel. He raised it, and brought it down hard.  
  
"Meeting adjourned," he said, tossing the gavel back to Taylor.  
  
"The meeting is not over until I say it is," Taylor paused, as everyone looked at him expectantly. "Meeting adjourned," Taylor said, banging the gavel. A/N Dirty  
  
Luke threw his hands up, and walked out.  
  
"Time to go," Lorelai said, grabbing her purse and running out after Luke, followed closely by Rory.  
  
"Luke!" Lorelai called  
  
Luke turned to face them. "Can you believe him?" Luke demanded.  
  
"I know," Lorelai said. "The nerve, asking you to decorate for Easter. . .the bunny rabbits and eggs, that man has some nerve"  
  
"You know. . .I've never even understood that, rabbits don't lay eggs"  
  
"But they're cute," Lorelai told him.  
  
"And the eggs are pretty," Rory added.  
  
Luke turned to see Lorelai giving him a baby face. "No," he said sternly, "you already got your soda shop"  
  
As Lorelai and Luke continued to 'discuss' the decorations, Rory glanced inside the diner, and spotted Jess sitting on a stool. She almost couldn't see him, but there was a faint glow from the moon, making him somewhat visible.  
  
She glanced at her mom and Luke one more time before heading into the diner. She pushed open the door, frowning when Jess didn't look up. He seemed to be deep in thought.  
  
"Jess," she whispered.  
  
When he didn't answer she walked closer, she was now standing in front of him.  
  
"Jess," she said again.  
  
He was now looking at her, but only because she had stepped into his line a vision, his eyes weren't focusing on her.  
  
"Jess, say something, you're scaring me"  
  
When he still didn't respond she reached out and touched his hand. Jess jerked away, looking around as though he suddenly realized where he was.  
  
"Jess, are you okay?"  
  
"I uh. . .I" Jess stuttered.  
  
"What is it, what happened?"  
  
"She's dead." Jess said quietly. He looked as though he couldn't believe it.  
  
"Who is?"  
  
"My mom," he said softly.  
  
"Jess," Rory said, reaching for him once more.  
  
Jess stood up, moving just out of reach.  
  
"I. . .I have school tomorrow"  
  
"Jess," Rory said somewhat sternly, trying to pull him out of whatever zone he was in. His unresponsiveness was frightening.  
  
"I need to go to sleep," he continued, "good night Rory"  
  
With that being said, he turned and ran up the stairs.  
  
Rory turned as the bell chimed.  
  
"Hey hun," Lorelai said, "is everything okay?"  
  
"No," Rory answered softly.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Rory glanced at the stars before turning back to Luke and Lorelai.  
  
"I have to tell you something. . ."  
  
A/N R&R please, I love feed back. 


	2. Just call me Oliver

A/N Hey, me again. I don't really have anything to say so enjoy  
  
Disclaimer: I borrowed some quotes from the books Hard Love and Scarlet  
  
". . .ashes to ashes, dust to dust" the minister's voice penetrated the shell of numbness, the words registered.  
  
The living as well as the dead surrounded him, all of Stars Hollow was there it seemed. None of them cared though, they hadn't seen or heard from her in over seventeen years. Though here they stood red eyed and drippy nosed, it was enough to make him sick, he was her son and he had yet to even cry a tear.  
  
He couldn't cry, he couldn't let them, her know he cared. If he cried now it would be like those battered women who kept going back to the man no matter what they did, or the battered child who convinced themselves no matter how bad there parents beat them, that they still cared.  
  
Only, he was like that, exactly like that. He had spent the better part of his life going back to his mother. Whatever she needed he did, all in hope of earning some approval, some affirmation that let him know she was aware of his presence, and grateful for it. But it never came, it was a myth, a never was and never would be.  
  
He had been young and stupid, just as he had been with his ideas about his father. He's always figured his father would come back, a wistful notion that he held onto for years.  
  
His parents had been young and stupid too. His father had found himself barely twenty, and about to be a father. And his mother, she'd found herself pregnant just out of high school, and she'd realized-too late-that the habit of loving his father had long replaced love itself. So they'd stayed together, it was 'for the child,' but they had proceeded for the next ten years to make it clear they were miserable, and that they blamed him. A/N yes I know in the show his father left when he was a baby  
  
His parents had fought for as long as he could remember, but it didn't bother him, it gave him comfort and consistence. He couldn't count on their love, so he counted on their anger, found comfort in it.  
  
The fighting was gone now, it was just him. His father had left, and now his mother had, it was just him, and the silence was boxing him in. His parents were never coming back, the loving family he longed for was never going to be his.  
  
Right at that moment he would have given anything to be three, and run into his mothers loving embrace, to escape the nightmare he was caught in, the reality that was weighing him down with each passing day, he was alone, an orphan.  
  
'Just call me Oliver,' he thought wryly.  
  
He was bare-headed in the rain, unaware of the proffed shelter of umbrellas, unconscious of the cold wetness, unable to accept the finality of the minister's words, or the narrow coffin being lowered into the muddy, cold grave.  
  
He wanted to clap his hands over his ears, to scream, to shout-anything to shut out the terrible sound of the grave closing over her. His teeth closed painfully over his lip. He wouldn't scream. He couldn't.  
  
A/N R&R please 


	3. Ben the hen or hairy Jerry

(Why is it that people don't know what to say when something bad happens to someone they know? Maybe because they think there are some magic words that will make everything alright, only they don't know what the words are (  
  
It was quiet. Too quiet. She wanted to scream. To snap them out of whatever trance they were in. But she couldn't. Maybe they weren't ready to talk. If that were the case, she should respect their wishes. . .right?  
  
Lorelai looked around the diner. It looked the same, but it felt different. The air was heavy with unsaid words. They all stood inside the diner. Not moving. Not speaking. None of them seemed to want to make the first move.  
  
"So. . ." Lorelai said when she could no longer stand the silence. "It. . .it was a nice um. . .fu. . .funeral."  
  
"Yeah," Luke said as he dropped his keys on the counter, and lowered himself into a stool.  
  
A silence once again fell upon the diner. The only sound came from the clinking of Luke's keys, which he seemed to be focusing all his attention on.  
  
Jess stood with his hands shoved deep in his pockets, fingering his lighter and turning it over in his hand. He never knew silence could be so loud, so overwhelming. And he was fighting the strong urge to throw a chair threw the window.  
  
Suddenly he couldn't take it, the urge to smash the window and break the silence was too strong. "I'm going to bed," Jess said, causing everyone to jump.  
  
"It's only 4 o'clock," Luke stated.  
  
"Then I'm taking a nap," Jess said, continuing up the stairs, not pausing or looking back.  
  
Luke, Lorelai, and Rory sat in silence once again, avoiding each others gaze, while shooting nervous glances to the stairs.  
  
Luke finally stood up. "I should go talk to him."  
  
Truth be told he didn't was to. He didn't know what he would say. He had no idea what Jess was feeling. Yes, he'd lost his mother when he was a kid too, but the relationships were different, the feelings were different. . .weren't they? Add that to the fact that he was still trying to figure out what he was feeling. First his mother, then his father, and now Liz.  
  
"I can do it," Rory offered, rising to her feet. She didn't know what she'd say, but Luke looked like he needed some time.  
  
"I don't think-"  
  
"I'll do it," Rory said, cutting of Luke's protest.  
  
*********  
  
Jess walked into the apartment closing the door with a slight click. He stood inside, looking over the apartment. He wasn't exactly sure what he was looking for.  
  
He walked over to his room, glancing around. His gaze came to rest on his desk. He walked over to the desk, running his hand along the edge. He picked up a book that lay on the desk, running his hand over the cover. And then opened the book, flipping through the pages. The words blended together.  
  
Finally he decided reading wasn't something he wanted to do, so he set the book down and headed for his CDs were stacked up next to the stereo. Jess ran a finger down one stack of CDs, and then the other, looking for one to listen to. But he couldn't find anything that fit.  
  
Jess sat down on the edge of his bed. He reached up and started to pull at his tie. He was feeling antsy, and constricted. Once he had the tie undone he threw it on the floor along with his jacket. But it didn't help; he still felt the immense weight on his chest.  
  
He heard the apartment door open, but made no move to get up. He heard the soft click of shoes making their way to his room, and then. . .  
  
"Jess," Rory said tenderly.  
  
"What?" Jess questioned, not lifting his gaze from the floor.  
  
"Are you okay?" she asked, following the question up by a mental eye roll, of course he wasn't okay.  
  
"Just peachy," Jess said.  
  
Rory reached up tucking a non existent piece of loose hair behind her ear. She was nervous; she had no idea what to say to him. Maybe she should try being honest. Honesty was after all the best policy. . .right?"  
  
"I don't know what to say," Rory admitted.  
  
"Then don't say anything," Jess suggested.  
  
Rory took a step forward. "Jess I_"  
  
"Can you just leave me alone?" Jess quietly asked.  
  
She immediately snapped her mouth shut, and started to back away. "I'm sorry. . .I. . .I was just trying to. . ." she trailed off. She turned away and walked to the door opening it and walked to the door opening it and walking out without a sound.  
  
Jess's eyes lingered on the door. He had hurt her that was clear. He had seen that in her eyes. He had also seen the disappointment, and. . .pity, but he didn't want her to feel sorry for him, to pity him. He wanted her to be angry, to scream, yell, storm out slamming the door behind her. Instead of doing that she had apologized, and left, shutting the door quietly behind her.  
  
He stood up and made for the door, but stopped. He wanted to apologize, to go after her. But something held him back. He knew she would forgive him, saying he had nothing to be sorry for.  
  
Suddenly he felt the urge to break something, anything. Instead he kicked a dining room chair, sending it flying across the room. He turned and slammed the fridge with his fist, sending magnates and papers to the floor, before sliding down to the floor, leaning against the fridge.  
  
His fist was throbbing, but he didn't care. It was only physical pain, he could stand that. It was the other pain, that postponed, delayed, denied shadowy pain that he couldn't bear.  
  
**********  
  
Lorelai walked up to the counter, sitting down next to Luke.  
  
"How are you holding up?" she questioned.  
  
"I don't know what I'm going to do," he admitted.  
  
"Do about what?"  
  
"Jess. He's here for good now. Liz is. . ." he trailed off, trying to swallow the lemon in his throat.  
  
Lorelai reached out, gently squeezing his hand. "You'll do fine. You've gotten him this far."  
  
"I have to talk to him. And I have no idea what to say, or what he'll say for that matter. When I lost my mom I didn't want to talk about it, I just wanted to be left alone. How do I know he doesn't feel the same way?"  
  
"I can't answer that," she told him. "But no matter what you guys have me and Rory. . .for anything."  
  
Luke nodded. "I just can't believe she's gone. The last time I talked to her I was yelling."  
  
"Hey," Lorelai said, forcing Luke to meet her eyes. "I heard that conversation, and the yelling was justified. Luke this. . .this happens. You can't beat yourself up, and keep asking what if. You have to forgive Liz, and yourself, because right now you have a nephew who is hurting, whether he is willing to admit it or not."  
  
Luke opened his mouth, ready to respond, when Rory came through the curtains and headed for the door, walking out.  
  
Rory's exit was followed by a crash from upstairs. Both Luke and Lorelai sighed.  
  
"I'll take that one," Lorelai said, gesturing towards Rory's disappearing form.  
  
Luke nodded in agreement, rising to his feet.  
  
"I'm sorry Luke."  
  
"Doesn't change anything," Luke said sadly.  
  
Lorelai paused for a moment before putting her arms around him. "I know," she whispered.  
  
Luke put his arms around her, returning the hug. Having her arms around him seemed to lessen the pain he was feeling and he was hit with the selfish desire to stay there and forget. Forget Liz, Jess, everything.  
  
Lorelai pulled back, giving Luke a small smile. "I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
Luke nodded, as she turned, and walked out of the diner.  
  
********  
  
As Luke stepped into the apartment, he was greeted by the sight of a chair laying on its side, and Jess sitting on the floor among magnets, and various pieces of paper.  
  
"I'm fine," Jess said, before Luke could say anything.  
  
Luke lowered himself to the floor next to Jess, stretching his legs out. "I know you are."  
  
********  
  
"Hey," Lorelai called after Rory. "Hey, Rory," she tried again. When Rory didn't stop she started to jog best she could after her in heels.  
  
"Hey, speedy gonzolis. Slow down." A/N spelling  
  
Rory finally stopped walking, and Lorelai caught up. She grabbed Rory's arms, and turned her around.  
  
"Lorelai Leah Gilmore I'm only going to say this once, so you better be paying attention," Lorelai said. "Don't you ever make me run again."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"I forgive you. . .so what happened with Jess?"  
  
"Nothing," she lied.  
  
"Wrong answer. Try again."  
  
"Nothing happened."  
  
"You did the blinky thing," Lorelai accused.  
  
"No I didn't."  
  
"Yes you did."  
  
"Didn't."  
  
"Did. Now tell me what happened," Lorelai demanded.  
  
"Nothing. He just. . . he asked me to leave him alone."  
  
"And that made you feel. . ." Lorelai prompted.  
  
Rory shrugged. "I don't know. He used to talk to me," Rory said. "I'm not saying he should start bawling, and pour out his heart. . .I just want him to talk to me."  
  
Lorelai reached out, gently tugging a strand of Rory's hair. "Give it time. He has some stuff he needs to work through."  
  
"I know, I just. . ."  
  
"I know," Lorelai said. "But you're gonna have to wait. In the mean time, we have a date."  
  
Rory raised her eyebrows in question. "With who?"  
  
"Our two favorite guys in the whole world. . .Ben and Jerry."  
  
Rory cracked a smile. "I get Jerry."  
  
"Why Jerry?" Lorelai asked.  
  
Rory shrugged. "Ben rhymes with hen."  
  
"So, Jerry rhymes with Harry. And besides Ben rhymes with Ken and men, and what do you have? You have hairy, scary Jerry which rhymes with Mary."  
  
Rory scrunched her nose. "I want Ben," she whined.  
  
"Too late," Lorelai said, walking away. "You're too late, and you can't have my date."  
  
"Great," Rory grumbled. "Just what I needed, a date with hairy Jerry."  
  
A/N That's it for now. Let me know what you think. 


	4. Shut up

A/N I know it has been a while but I've been focusing on school and trying to over come writers block, and also get back the desire to actually write. Anyway I hope you like this chapter.  
  
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us - Oliver Wendell Holmes  
  
Jess stepped out of the apartment, shutting the door quietly behind him. He stood there a moment taking in the distance to the bottom of the stairs and fighting the desperate urge to run back into the apartment and barricade the door. Pushing all thought of what waited for him on the other side of the curtain he headed down the stairs quietly.  
  
He had always walked quietly; it was like a second nature. Most of the time he didn't even realize he was doing it, but now for some reason he couldn't explain he had the urge to make as little sound as possible.  
  
He counted the steps as he went. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, creak. Jess instantly froze, cursing under his breath, his heart thumping -almost painfully- on his rib cage. Then it hit him, the reason for his insane need to be silent. On the other side of that curtain was Stars Hollow. He didn't want them to see him, to hear him. He wanted to slip outside unnoticed, as he had so many times before. He knew that was impossible, everything was different now, they would see him. This knowledge didn't stop him however, taking a deep breath he continued down the stairs, being as silent as possible.  
  
As Jess entered the diner he was greeted by the sight of Luke trying to take Kirk's order. Normally one would find it strange for someone to be working the day after the funeral but, Jess could understand. The diner was a good distraction. See customer. Offer coffee. Take order. Turn order in. Bring customer food. Offer more coffee. Repeat as needed. It didn't require much thought.  
  
Ignoring the curious stares being shot in his direction, Jess headed to a rag that lay abandoned on the counter and began to scrub a non- existent spot as if his life depended on it.  
  
"Kirk," Luke said, his voice dripping with annoyance, "For the third and final time, we don't serve tuna sandwiches at breakfast."  
  
"Well then that changes everything," Kirk said, picking up the menu, his eyes scanning over the breakfast choices.  
  
"Kirk, you are in here every day," Luke said snatching the menu from Kirk's grasp. "You don't need the menu."  
  
"Yes I do," Kirk argued.  
  
"No you don't," Luke shot back, his pen poised in the air. "Now order."  
  
"What happened to the customer is always right?"  
  
"I have the right to refuse service. So order or start running, cause I'm only giving you a three second head start."  
  
"I'll take pancakes, eggs sunny side up with a side of bacon," Kirk said quickly.  
  
"Thank you," Luke barked turning and placing the order.  
  
"But. . ." Kirk suddenly spoke up, causing Luke to groan. "I don't want it greasy."  
  
"Don't want what greasy Kirk?"  
  
"The bacon," Kirk answered promptly.  
  
Luke stared at Kirk for a moment, toying with the idea of jumping over the counter and ringing Kirk's neck. However he pushed the idea aside, deciding it would probably be bad for business.  
  
"There is no such thing as non-greasy bacon Kirk," Luke said, putting on an air of calmness.  
  
"Well couldn't you just dab it with a napkin?"  
  
"No Kirk, I could not dab your bacon with a napkin!" Luke practically yelled. "No I can not make you a tuna sandwich. No I will not cut the crust off your peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and then proceed to cut it into little squares like your mother does. And no, we do not serve fruit loops."  
  
"I'll just take pancakes, thank you," Kirk said quietly.  
  
Luke stood for a moment, daring Kirk to say something else. His only response however was to sink in his chair. Satisfied Luke stormed into the kitchen, the door banging closed behind him.  
  
Jess did an up-down with his eyebrows, silently wondering how long it would be until the vain in Luke's head popped, and who would be the cause. So far Kirk, Taylor, and himself were in the running for first.  
  
Setting the rag aside Jess pulled a book out of his back pocket and set to reading. The distraction wasn't working however. The words on the page seemed to flow together; he read them but didn't understand, his mind refused to translate, to connect the words so the story would make sense.  
  
Suddenly he got that weird feeling, the one people always get when someone is staring at them. Jess looked up, his eyes immediately locating the object of his discomfort: Kirk.  
  
"I heard your mother's funeral was yesterday," Kirk stated without ceremony.  
  
Jess didn't respond, his grip tightened on the book in his hand as he continued to look at Kirk.  
  
"I'm sorry I missed it," Kirk continued. "Mother was ill."  
  
Again Jess didn't respond, but his grip on the book was getting tighter by the second.  
  
"I'm sure it was a lovely funeral."  
  
Jess once again chose to remain silent. He was fighting three urges. The u7rge to run as fast and as far away as he could, the urge to ram the book -that he now clutched so tightly that his knuckles were turning white- down Kirk's throat, and the urge to yell as loud as humanly possible. Luckily Luke chose that moment to re-enter, because if he would have waited a second longer Jess would have done an impressive combination of the three.  
  
Luke noticing the tension in Jess's stance placed the coffee pot before him. "Jess, could you go give people some re-fills?"  
  
Jess picked the pot up without saying anything and proceeded to fill coffee cups, keeping as much distance between him and Kirk as possible.  
  
**********  
  
About fifteen minutes later -after Kirk left- Jess returned to his post behind the counter. He had given up on reading long ago, and was now whipping the counter almost absent mindedly. He did however manage to glance up every time the bell above the door chimed, signaling another arrival or departure. He was torn between his hope that the next person through the door would be Rory and his hope that it wouldn't.  
  
It wasn't that he didn't want to see her; it was that if she did come they would eventually end up talking about the night before, and he had no idea why he had acted that way. Okay, he did, but it didn't even make sense to him so how could he explain it to her.  
  
The bell above the door chimed again. Jess immediately looked up, and was disappointed and relieved at the same time. I wasn't her. Instead it was two people he had no energy to deal with. Maybe if her hurried he could. . .  
  
"Jess! Doll!"  
  
Or not.  
  
"Hello dear," Miss Patty called as they made their way towards him.  
  
Jess quickly lifted his book and began to read, the universal sign for 'Don't talk to me.'  
  
"Hello dear," Miss Patty repeated as she and Babette took up residence at the counter.  
  
Jess stifled a groan as he set his book down, clearly the two hadn't gotten the don't- talk- to- people- who- are- reading memo.  
  
"Sorry I couldn't make it to the funeral," Babette said before turning to Miss Patty. "Morey wasn't feelin' too good."  
  
Miss Patty nodded. "It's been going around. Kirk couldn't make it either. Apparently his mothers got a touch of the flu."  
  
They simultaneously turned back to Jess. "I'm sure it was a lovely funeral," Babette said.  
  
"Oh, it was," Miss Patty assured her.  
  
'Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.' Jess repeated over and over in his head. He couldn't take another second. They were talking about his mother's funeral like they would the weather. Shouldn't they care more? Didn't they care more?. . .Did he?  
  
Suddenly Jess realized they were starring at him and for a second he thought he might have said it out loud.  
  
"Of course he's not," Miss Patty cut in. "I remember when my mother passed. I couldn't eat for I week. I was a mess."  
  
Babette nodded her understanding before turning back to Jess. "So, how are you holdin' up?"  
  
Suddenly they were both looking at him and all he could do was stand there like a dear caught in head lights. He felt every eye in the place boring into his forehead as though trying to find what lay hided in the depths of his mind, and for a second he actually believed the could.  
  
The next thing he knew he felt the cold rush of air hitting his face, his eyes were stinging but he kept running away from it all, Kirk, Miss Patty, Babette, the diner, Luke. . .his mom. Jess felt the burning pain in his muscles, his heart was pounding painfully against his chest, and his throat burned as his lings pulled for oxygen but he kept going, because the physical pain was drowning out the real pain. The pain he didn't want to face, wasn't ready to face.  
  
***********  
  
Lorelai reached up, knocking on Rory's door as she pushed it open. She groaned at the sight that greeted her: Rory, still in bed.  
  
"That's it," Lorelai declared, marching into the room. "I've been patient long enough. Get up!" That being said Lorelai threw open the curtains.  
  
Rory responded with a moan, and pulling the covers up over her head,  
  
"Come on," Lorelai whined, sitting on the edge of the bed, bouncing up and down. "Get up, get up, get up."  
  
"Rory groaned turning her back on Lorelai.  
  
"Come on, it's almost ten. Breakfast will be over soon, and I haven't had my coffee yet."  
  
"There's coffee in the kitchen," Rory mumbled from under her mountain of blankets.  
  
"But that's not Luke's coffee."  
  
"What's the difference?"  
  
"I don't know," Lorelai responded. "But I'm pretty sure without Luke's coffee your head caves in."  
  
"I'm sure you'll be fine."  
  
Lorelai reached forward and pulled the covers from Rory's face. "I know what you're doing and I'm not going to let you do it."  
  
"I'm not doing anything," Rory said stubbornly.  
  
"Hun, come on. It was disagreement. His mother just died, he's just trying to deal with it all."  
  
"I know, I just want to help, but I don't know how."  
  
"Jess is a bird," Lorelai told Rory.  
  
"Wana run that by me again," Rory said her eyebrows scrunched in confusion.  
  
"It's like when you're trying to catch a bird. You lay a little feed on the ground trailing to your hand, and it gets a little closer over time until it reaches you, but you can't make a grab at it otherwise it will fly away."  
  
Rory sat for a minute before smiling. "When did you get so smart?"  
  
"I'm surprisingly sensitive," Lorelai told her, looking up as there was a knock on the door. "I'm going to get that and when I come back you better be ready to go cause I'm taking you ready or not."  
  
A/N Okay, that's it for now. Please, please, please R&R 


	5. Don't scare the birdie

A/N Hey, I'm back again. . .obviously. Anyway read and please, please, please review.  
  
Jess stood on the front porch, running his hands through his windblown hair. Every muscle in his body was screaming at him to run, to flee, but his feet stood firmly planted to the wooden planks beneath him. He heard footsteps coming towards the door and the impulse to run just got stronger, unconsciously he took a step backwards.  
  
Too late.  
  
Lorelai pulled the front door open. Cool air rushed in and she shivered slightly.  
  
"Hi," she greeted when she saw it was Jess.  
  
Jess nodded slightly by way of hello. Lorelai watched him for a moment. He looked torn, like he couldn't decide whether he was coming or going.  
  
Lorelai flashed back to a news broadcast she'd seen a while back. Something about Keiko -Free Willy- They had been trying to free him and Keiko just couldn't seem to make it. He probably wanted to go. Something in him may have called out to the ocean, felt the need to venture out, explore. But the ocean was big, huge. Who knew what was out there. So he always came back, back to what he knew, what was comfortable, familiar.  
  
Lorelai smiled slightly, shaking her head causing small tendrils of hair to flutter into her face. Brushing the hair from her eyes she tried to hold back a laugh -Jess reminded her of a fish.  
  
Jess took another step backwards. The smile on Lorelai's face was unnerving him. He didn't know what he expected, -Yelling? Glaring? Refusing to let him see Rory? - but the smile that had slowly slipped over her features was defiantly not it, not even close  
  
"Uh, is Rory here?" Jess asked when he finally found his voice.  
  
"Yeah, hang on," Lorelai said as she turned around and bellowed. "Rory, Jess is here!"  
  
Jess had to fight the urge to cover her ears -damn she was loud  
  
A few seconds later Rory was at the door, looking like she had rushed through getting dressed-one of her buttons was one hole up from where it should be, and her hair was piled up into a careless bun.  
  
"Hi," she breathed, feeling relieved and nervous.  
  
"Hey," Jess replied in turn.  
  
Lorelai glanced between the two teens. Finally deciding her presence wasn't needed she turned to Rory. "Okay," Lorelai said fixing Rory's shirt. "I'm going to Luke's. I'll see you later."  
  
"Okay," Rory said as Lorelai walked down the steps.  
  
Lorelai stopped and turned back to the two teens, "Rory," she called. "Don't scare the birdie."  
  
"Bye," Rory said, waving her mother off before turning to Jess.  
  
"Birdie?" he asked.  
  
Rory shook her head slightly, "It's nothing. My mom just. . .nothing"  
  
Jess nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets as deep as they would allow.  
  
Rory looked down, pulling at her shirt sleeves. "Why are you here?" she asked, glancing up into his deep brown eyes.  
  
Jess shrugged. "I don't know. I was at the diner. . ." Jess trailed off. He wasn't sure how to put words to what happened. One second he was at the diner and, the next. . .  
  
Rory nodded, she didn't want to make him talk if he wasn't ready.  
  
Jess followed the path of Rory's hand as she reached up and tucked a strand of none existent hair behind her ear. He tried to think of something to say to fix what he'd broken, something to show how much he regretted his words from the previous night.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
Or he could go with that.  
  
Rory scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. "Sorry?" she inquired. "For what?"  
  
Jess ran his hand through his hair- a nervous habit- "For yelling," he answered.  
  
Rory took a step closer to Jess. "It wasn't your fault. I shouldn't have pushed you to talk," Rory explained. "You weren't ready, I should have respected that."  
  
Jess looked down at his shoes, shaking his head. He couldn't decide if he wanted to kiss or throttle her-maybe both- She thought it was her fault, he knew it was his. God they were so screwed up.  
  
Rory took another step forward, noticing Jess's inner turmoil. She reached out, gently cupping the side of his face and forcing him to meet her gaze. She gave a small encouraging smile, which was blocked from sight as Jess leaned in and kissed her softly.  
  
A few moments later Jess pulled back, resting his forehead on hers, enjoying the feeling of her hands sliding up and locking around his neck.  
  
Jess tried to even out his breathing as he fought the urge to go in for another kiss. He couldn't, not yet, not until he told her.  
  
"I wanted you to be mad at me," Jess said in a hushed voice.  
  
Rory pulled back, looking Jess in the face. "What? Why?"  
  
How could he explain it to her? He didn't even know. Why he had wanted her to be mad at him? -Because he was angry? Confused? His mom? Him? Their relationship? - That was the million dollar question.  
  
Jess shook his head, fighting the urge -the need- to be in her arms.  
  
"Dangerous is the man who tries to rationalize his emotions," Jess quoted someone or other.  
  
"Jess," Rory said with a slightly stern tone to her voice.  
  
Jess took a deep breath, running his hand through his head. "I just thought. . . if you were mad it would be. . . easier," Jess finished slowly.  
  
"What would?" Rory asked nervously as she started pulling at her shirt sleeves.  
  
"Everything," Jess finally admitted.  
  
"I could try," Rory shrugged, and smiled when Jess looked at her, his confusion evident on his face. "You're a. . . big jerk," Rory tried.  
  
Jess smirked and leaned in, planting a soft kiss on her lips. "I'd stick to journalism," he said. "Cause you suck at acting."  
  
Rory leaned in, giving him another kiss. He didn't want to talk about his mom, she could wait. But the longer he did, the harder it would be, the more it would hurt. 


End file.
